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Careers for the Evil Doer
Some of you might be asking, what evil career is right for me? Do I want to be a Criminal Mastermind, Mass Murderer or Producer of the Teletubbies? Well, hopefully this guide below can help you in this, the most important decision of your life.
Criminal Mastermind
This is the career that most young evil-doers strive for. To be head of a gigantic criminal empire, to have armies of thugs that hold the citizens in thrall while your grip on the city grows ever tighter. But how do you get this most evil of jobs? First of all, you will need to start small. Find a field of crime that you like, such as extortion, or numbers rackets. Too often a criminal mastermind will move too fast in the beginning and find they've bitten off more than they can chew. Take the time to practice the illegalities, making sure you've gotten good at it. Don't forget to also learn the turf, and make a few contacts along the way. You'll remember these early years with nostalgia later.

When you finally feel you are ready, expand into further criminal fields. Good choices include gambling and prostitution, though you may also want to consider low-level assassination. To assist you in these deeds, you will need minions to carry out your plans. The Evil Henchmen Guide can help you in your selection, though you may want to just stick with standard thugs for now. In any case, in no time at all you will have reached the rank of low level crime boss.

Which brings you to your first problem: There will inevitably be other crime bosses who won't like you moving in on their territory. They may even send a couple of nice gentlemen named Guido and Icepick to explain this to you with a baseball bat. What must be remembered, however, is that you have one distinct advantage over them. You are not a criminal boss, but a criminal mastermind. You possess the superior intellect these minor annoyances cannot even conceive of. Your sheer brain power will allow you to easily outthwart the minions and machinations of these soon-to-be-dead fools, as you lead them into deathtraps and foil their mad schemes. Warning: If you do not have a megagigantic I.Q., this career may not be for you.

The crime bosses won't know what hit them, as you sweep through their territories and absorb them into your own. Make sure they die a slow lingering death, as warning to any future fool who might try and stop you. Their former henchmen will also need to learn that you are their god now, and any protesting will not be tolerated. You will soon have the entire city within your thrall. The police will avoid you, the citizens will quake with fear, and none can stop you.

Well… maybe there is one little problem. That new hero in town. You'll have to deal with him quickly, and as such, evolve further into your role as criminal mastermind. You can choose to be an Arch-Nemesis, and devote your entire life to the destruction of that hero. As an alternative you can become an Evil Overlord, destroying and despoiling all that you touch. But perhaps the best is to become a Media Sensation, the darling of the limelight and loved by all. The hero will rant and fume that you are behind a multi-million dollar criminal empire, and the press will just laugh at such outrageous allegations. You can then kill him when nobody is looking, and your grip on the city will be complete. Good job, evil one.

Corporate Bastard
"Family, religion, friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business." -- Montgomery Burns.

It doesn't hurt to slay your rivals too, but that's just an option. The career of corporate bastard is a very rewarding one, and amongst the most popular for evil-doers today. So why not get yourself a piece of the pie? The supreme strangling hold of the meganational corporation has never been stronger!

There are two general ways to become a corporate bastard:

1) Start your own business. Crush your enemies. Claw your way to the top.
2) Get hired at a corporation. Crush your enemies. Claw your way to the top.

As you can see, they're not very different. The main distinguishing feature is that in the first you need some sort of actual product. This does not have to be something created by you, as intellectual theft is entirely acceptable (and encouraged!) Or, if you can conceive of something so incredibly stupid that the entire nation will absolutely have to have it, to talk about it at the water cooler, show off to their neighbors and be buried with when they die, just choose that instead. The point is you will need some sort of meaningless drivel to foist upon the contemptible masses.

If that sounds like too much work, you will probably want to choose the second choice. Getting hired at a global-spanning corporation is easy as long as you've been educated in the right Ivy League schools and know all the correct Masonic handshakes. Sleeping with the interviewer has also been known to help. In any case, as soon as you are on the inside, your long trip to the top begins. Because nowadays an M.B.A. isn't enough. You have to be willing to go the extra mile, to blow up your rivals condo, to blackmail your enemies and backstab your friends without remorse. Those who get in your way are just rungs on the ladder to be stepped on. Or murdered, depending on your preference.

Whichever method you choose, there are some things you will have to remember as you enter into your career of evil bastard. First of all, destroying small business is a must. This cannot be emphasized enough. All those mom and pop operations are providing a much better product at higher variety. They are a definite threat to your growing stranglehold, and will have to be wiped out. A good way to do this is corporate takeovers, particularly sinister in that you can downsize the absorbed company and force the remaining employees to work at miniscule wages. Also, don't forget about your army of lawyers, as they can be used to sue the competition into the ground. Pacts with the dark gods are also good.

As your company expands, you will want to export all your labor to third world nations. This is important because it destroys important jobs at home and allows you to use the equivalent of slave labor. The local fascist dictator can be easily bribed to look the other way as you break all sorts of human rights laws, and your factories can destroy the environment with their billowing smoke and pollution. While you could produce cleaner and safer equipment at practically no cost, the important thing to remember is: money.

Money money money money money. And more money. Money is the most important thing of all. It is the end all, be all of your existence. You are the head of a corporation out to make money, most of all for you. And as such, spending any of that to improve the standard of living for those touched by your multinational monopoly is unthinkable. So don't think it! Whenever you start to feel guilty, just roll around naked in a room full of hundred dollar bills. That usually makes it go away.

As a last bit of advice, don't forget to gloat at the top of your corporate skyscraper as you look down and survey all that you rule. This is perhaps one of the most rewarding aspects of being a corporate bastard (that and the money) and so should be performed at every opportunity. You can laugh and chortle as you realize all are encased in your snakelike grip, that all hope is lost and the ever-growing might of your corporation will soon control the world.

Serial Killer
Serial killing can be a very rewarding profession. The murders, the manhunts, the piling bodies… as well as being able to go home at night with the feeling a job well done. There are two general types of serial killers, regular and supernatural. Each are described below, so consider them carefully.
If you're going to be a classic serial killer, you can either elect for quantity (the more, the merrier), or quality (only fat pre-op transvestites named Harold). You're also going to need some sort of schtick: zodiac signs, dressing like a clown, claiming you're a vampire, eating your victims, constructing a hotel of death, hearing voices from the neighbors dog, and so on. Remember: Be original. There are hundreds of serial killers out there claiming they're the Angel of Death, but very few claiming to be Andy Kaufman with an axe.

The first murder may be kind of difficult, so you may want to fantasize about it before time. Also good is stalking your victim, as you can enhance the level of terror while gaining hours of endless fun. In any case, make sure that you do start killing, because otherwise you're not a serial killer, just some fucked up guy who wants to be one.

Once you've started murdering countless innocents, it can then be said that you are a mass murderer. With this will come fame, but also, responsibility. For example, you may notice that you now have the small problem of bodies on your hands. Worry not! There are numerous avenues available to deal with this. The crawlspace provides an excellent place to dispose of your victims, as well as the nearby river, garbage bins, shallow graves, and your personal collection of flesh eating pigs. You may also want to mail pieces of the victims to their parents or loved ones, ensuring that your place in damnation is eternally assured.

The police will undoubtedly begin to chase you at this point, so it is important to play mind games with them. Be sure to leave behind a series of clues at each of your crimes, astrological symbols or nursery rhymes carved into your victims forehead or something. It is also suggested you send taunting letters to the lead detective, revealing the time and date of your next murder. Piece of advice: Do not actually show up, or you may find yourself a bullet-ridden corpse.

In the end you will have a choice: You can resist your urges, and go on to a wonderful life in middle-class suburbia, or you can continue with your work and get caught. It is understandable that neither of these are very preferable, and so may we suggest a third alternative. Expand into an even more bloodthirsty profession, such as CIA assassin, or middle-management marketing executive. Good hunting.


Many people opt instead to become a supernatural serial killer. This is a popular choice due to the near immortality and many sequels that comes with the job. There are several things you must do before you can achieve this position, however. The first thing to do is get some props. These are almost as important as the classic serial killers schtick, and should not be taken lightly. Some possibilities include:

Hockey mask
Glove with Knives
Hangman's Noose
Puzzle Box
Big Frikkin' Knife
Ability to Appear in a Mirror after Your Name is Repeated Five Times

Gaining immortality is a little bit more difficult. There are however a few tried and trusted ways:

Pact with the devil.
Get sentenced to the electric chair.
Get burned in the furnace where you killed all the children.
Wear the mystic amulet while you are gunned down in a toy store.
Make a deal with the creepy voodoo woman to avenge the death of your child.
Drown in the river while your Camp Counselors are too busy having sex, have your mom kill the bastards, and then arise in the sequel.

In order to achieve true immortality, lucrative movie deals with probably also be needed. For now, though, you should have enough to splatter the scantily clad coeds all across the screen. As long as you make sure to let them trip several times when running away, you can rest assured you are doing your job of supernatural serial killer properly.

Becoming a necromancer is an excellent choice for the evil-doer who is not a "people person." Though some might say there is not much point to turning the earth into one giant graveyard, such people will never understand anyways. Good career entry points include: Occultists, Dabblers in Voodoo, Grave Diggers, Morticians, Possessed Eight-Year-Old Girls, and Inheritor of Scary Books Wrapped in Human Flesh.

The first thing you're going to need to do is obtain sort of Book of Evil (tm). We suggest: The Necronomicon, always good for blasting your sanity away. As an alternative, try De Vermis Mysteriis, Unaussprechlichen Kulten, Cultes des Goules, the Pnakotic Manuscripts, or the Book of Dzyan. All of these are excellent sources of untold damnation. You can get most of these from your local occult book shop, you know, the one that gets replaces by a brick wall when you try to go back to it. Because of this, it might be a good idea to get everything at once. Stock up on those black candles and arcane mystic amulets!

Now that you've got your sorcerous tome of damnation, you're going to need corpses to fuel your army of the undead. The local cemetery is probably your best bet, but don't forget the morgue, local battlefields, or killing your own! If you start getting any doubts about what you are doing (the whole condemning innocents souls to an eternity of pain and torment), rest assured that's only your conscience, and will soon be but a faded memory.

Provided you perform the rites successfully, you should raise up a number of zombies. Think of them like your children, or if not, your cannon fodder. They will be used to execute your swath of destruction. With them in hand, all that's really left is finding a group of poor schmucks to terrorize. Absolutely best are villages of medieval peasants, but due to cutbacks and the passage of seven hundred years, those are hard to come by. We thus suggest just using the nearby small town, as there is usually a deserted mansion outside it from which to unleash your armies of darkness. Send out the zombies, have them create more zombies by eating people, and the world will be yours.

Surgeon General's Warning: Known side effects for being a necromancer include loss of hair, white skin, tomb rot, foul stench, eyes melting from their sockets, gibbering insanity, and eternal damnation.

Horseman of the Apocalypse

This adventuresome career is often not considered by evil-doers because of the religious undertones, and the fact that there only four positions open at any one time. But don't let that discourage you! Being a horseman of the apocalypse can be a very rewarding experience, and if anything, it looks good on a resume.

The Department of the Apocalypse suggests that applicants for each position hold one of the following backgrounds:

Death - Mass murderer
War - Military general
Famine - Founder of Jenny Craig Clinics
Pestilence - Bio-Plague Designer

It is also a good idea to check out The Book of Revelations beforehand. This book will basically show you the ins and outs of it, what is to be expected. It is important to realize that you're going to be working for some guy named Jehovah, apparently a major monotheistic deity. That shouldn't be too big of a problem, however, because from what we've been able to piece together, with his smitings and damnations and casting into the lake of fire, he's a pretty evil guy himself.

Come and see.

Avatar for a God/Demon/Supernatural Creature Beyond All Comprehension
Don't want to put in the effort it takes to be an evil overlord, but still destroy all mankind? Then the choice for you is supernatural avatar! This career is ideal for those who do not know the nature of what they are meddling with. All you have to is get possessed, lose all sense of self, and let Nyarlathotep take over as he brings about the end of the world! And the best thing is, you'll have made a difference.

There are numerous ways to become a supernatural avatar. These include:

1) Find a copy of the Necronomicon.
2) Open the Mummy's Tomb.
3) Wait till the Stars are Right.
4) Steal the Idol from the Island Natives.
5) Wear the Mystic Amulet.
6) Listen to the voices that say "All you have to do is let me in..."
7) Free the Supernatural Horror from its Thousand-Year Prison.
8) See the movie "Battlefield: Earth."

A warning on that last one... Some things are perhaps best left undisturbed.

Once you've let the monstrosity take over, there's really not much left to do except sit back and watch. And scream in anguish. And claw your eyes out. And feel the flesh rip from your bones as the old god is reborn and grows forty stories tall and devours all that exists and brings about the destruction of humanity.

Cult Leader

Perhaps one of the most rewarding of all evil jobs is that of cult leader. There's nothing quite like an army of brainwashed zealots all willing to blow themselves up for you at the drop of a hat. However, it must be noted that not just anyone can fill these evil shoes. So let's see if you've got what it takes.

If you'd like to become a cult leader, it is recommended you possess:

Awe-Inspiring Presence
Supernatural Charisma
Voice that must be Obeyed
Eyes that can do that Spirally Thing
Really Bad Personal Hygiene

As an alternative, you could just read the book How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. But it's not quite the same. However, if the above does describes you, then you should be able to pull off being a cult leader rather nicely.

The first thing you're going to need to do is decide exactly what type of cult you wish to form. Do you want to lead a doomsday cult? A free love cult? A messianic cult that worships you like a god? This is a very important decision, as it will determine whether you are surrounded by big guns or scantily clad women and men.

Once you've decided, it's simply a matter of spreading the appropriate message. Good sites to do this are street corners and college universities. It is a general social law that as long as someone is ranting and raving, frothing at the mouth and gibbering incoherently, someone will stop and listen. It just then becomes important that you have the right message.

For example, if you are a doomsday cult, proclaim the apocalypse is near and that you are the only way to heaven. If you are an orgiastic sex cult, simply promise free love (best of all with you!) And if you are a messianic cult, simply say you are the son of god. Or grandson. Or something.

In any case, as long as you are ranting and raving appropriately, someone at some point should stop and listen to you. And then you will have them. Remember, you've got one of those oh-so-necessary character traits, that makes you different from the other gibbering maniacs. With your first convert, you can now double the power of your message, drawing in another one, and another, until you have hordes of followers beating down your door.

These poor downtrodden fools, who are all missing something important in their lives, will need to be brainwashed immediately. This is very important, because otherwise they may wise up to your non-divine nature. For proper mind control, we suggest rhythmic chants, flashing lights, and constant prayers at ten-foot tall photographs of yourself. You will also want to make them realize just how important it is for them sell all their material possessions so you can have 23 gold plated limousines. As if it weren't immediately obvious.

The next thing to do is obtain an impenetrable compound. You will probably want to draw up the design yourself, as very few places nowadays come with a weapon arsenal, or orgy chamber, or divine tower of heavenly ascendance. Be sure to make the compound very sturdy, as it will need to be strong enough to fend off attacks from the Department of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms. Also, remember to plan ahead. The numerous children you will undoubtedly sire needs to be accounted for ahead of time when planning your compound's size.

You shouldn't have any problem paying for the fortress, because if you've done your brainwashing properly, your bank account should be spilling over in the millions. If not, worry not, because you can always use your followers as slave labor. Just start beating on a large drum and the rhythmic pulse should direct them properly on what to do. In a few short weeks your compound will be built, and you can take your rightful place on the seat of the throne. Ruling, as the god you've always known yourself to be.

There you have it, you're a cult leader. Free money, free love, free sex. And if you get declared a religion, exemption for taxes! Life is sweet.

Warning: This is without a doubt the most depraved, foul, insidious and malevolent of all possible evil professions. If you choose this job you will be hated by good and evil-doers alike, and not without good reason. You will be the lowest of all possible lows, vigilantes will hunt you, and entire religions shall spring up devoted to your destruction. Bastard.

You will need: "Special $200 CD with email addresses lifted from USENET! All completely legal! Really!"

Also required: Heart of darkness, wretched stench, complete and utter lameness, utter depravity, lack of a soul, an I.Q. the equivalent of pond scum, general overall worthlessness, and the charm of a three-day-dead rat that has been festering in the sun and even the maggots won't touch because it's so goddamn ugly and repulsive.

Now get away from me.