Cult Leader

Perhaps one of the most rewarding evil jobs is that of Cult Leader. There's nothing quite like an army of brainwashed zealots all willing to blow themselves up for you after they've sold every material possession and now wear smelly orange robes. But how do you gain this most illustrious of positions?

Well, the first thing to do is to read up on a bunch of cults. Some good sites include: Cults 101, Cult Solutions, and this essay on ways of identifying a cult. Make sure you have all these vital traits for your own! Also remember that you can make the anti-cult sites work for you. The AFF has excellent information on cult formation that you can use for your own, and Margaret Singer's essay on the conditions necessary for mind control is practically a How-To-Guide!

Also, be sure to ask yourself: do you want a Doomsday cult? A Free Love cult? A Messianic cult that worships you like a god? This is a very important decision, as it will determine whether you are surrounded by big guns or scantily clad women/men.

Once that decision is made, you will now need to obtain each of the following:

Impenetrable Compound - This can be obtained by purchasing some real estate in Waco, Montana , or the Bible Belt. Your compound will need to be big enough to hold you, your followers, as well as several tons of explosives, and be able to fend off attacks from the Department of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms. Also, remember to plan ahead. The numerous children you will sire because of your god-like status needs to be accounted for ahead of time when you are determining the size of your compound.

Charisma of the Gods - This is very important, as it will determine whether you are able to obtain hordes of followers. To gain this supernatural charisma you will need to: 1) Dress in billowy robes, 2) Grow a gigantic beard and 3) Let your personal hygiene go to hell. We're not sure why that last one is important, but trust us, it is. You will also need to learn how to speak in a voice that must be obeyed, an awe-inspiring presence, and eyes that do that little spiral thing. But how do you learn these necessary traits? What better way than How to Win Friends and Influence People? This great book contains all you need and more! Creating ripe bastards since 1937.

Hordes of Followers - The most vital element. Ironically enough, once you have Charisma of the Gods, the drones generally tend to start flocking to you. The type of cult you choose will also determine the type of followers you get. If you are a doomsday cult, simply spread a message of the impending apocalypse, and how you are the only way to heaven. If you are an orgiastic sex cult, simply promise endless free love (best of all with you!) And if you're a messianic cult, simply say you are the son of god! Or grandson. Or something.

There you have it, you're a cult leader. Free money, free love, free sex. And if you're get declared a religion, exemption for taxes! Life is sweet.