Webster's English Dictionary (1913) has this to say about Evil:

Evil (adj.) [OE. evel, evil, ifel, uvel, AS. yfel; akin to OFries, evel, D. euvel, OS. & OHG. ubil, G. \'81bel, Goth. ubils, and perh. to E. over.] (Page: 517)

1. Having qualities tending to injury and mischief; having a nature or properties which tend to badness; mischievous; not good; worthless or deleterious; poor; as, an evil beast; an evil plant; an evil crop.

2. Having or exhibiting bad moral qualities; morally corrupt; wicked; wrong; vicious; as, evil conduct, thoughts, heart, words, and the like.

3. Producing or threatening sorrow, distress, injury, or calamity; unpropitious; calamitous; as, evil tidings; evil arrows; evil days. -- Evil speaking, speaking ill of others; calumny; censoriousness. -- The evil one, the Devil; Satan; Syn. -- Mischieveous; pernicious; injurious; hurtful; destructive; wicked ; sinful; bad; corrupt; perverse; wrong; vicious; calamitious.

4. Anything which impairs the happiness of a being or deprives a being of any good; anything which causes suffering of any kind to sentient beings (It's a hobby...); injury; mischief; harm; -- opposed to good.

5. Moral badness, or the deviation of a moral being from the principles of virtue imposed by conscience, or by the will of the Supreme Being, or by the principles of a lawful human authority; disposition to do wrong; moral offence; wickedness; depravity.

Choosing an Evil Name

One of the first things you should do on your journey to darkness is choose your name. Ome that will forever be burned into the minds of millions, and cause millions to tremble before it and weep at its very pronouncement. Choose carefully, because this is what the world will know you as, and it's hell getting changed so you won't want to do this twice.

The Normal Name: This is where you keep your current name and use that in your quest for ultimate evil. Believe it or not, you don't always need a big flash name - it just helps. And for some people, their birth name is enough to inspire fear in all humanity. Examples include: Bill Gates, Walt Disney, Pat Robertson.

The Descriptive Name: This is a name that completely describes you as a person. One that is often an archetype, and which will instantly let your nature be known upon hearing it. Examples include: the Octopus, Mastermind, or the Eater of Souls. To figure it out, all you have to do is look at yourself, realize your best (worst) traits, and put them down in print.

The Sinister Name: These are generally the type of names you see on the covers of death metal albums. These are usually made up of between one and three parts, the title, surname, and last name. Since you are most likely an evil-doer on the go, we have provided a handy chart for you to create one at your leisure.

The Title:


First Name:


Second Name:


Thus, if you were to choose from each of these at random, you might come up with Baron Bloodspawn. Or, if you wanted something shorter, you could only choose two and become known as Blackfist. And don't be limited by this chart! If you can come up with a evil descriptive term that you feel describes you, feel free to add it in and make it part of your nom-de-plume.


The next thing you should consider is your motive. Why exactly is it that you want to bring darkness to all mankind? Is it the power, the money, the depraved pleasure? Or are you just bad to the bone? Evil comes from many sources, so let's take a look at just a few:

Power - This is the most common motivating force amongst evil-doers and criminal masterminds. The sheer overwhelming desire to obtain as much power as possible, to crush all beneath your might and control all that exists. This is power to destroy your enemies, to direct world events and control people's lives. And perhaps more than that, power to do whatever it is you want. To be completely unaccountable for all actions and sins. This supremacy is of course very tempting, and is why power has remained the top driving force amongst evil doers for the last two millennium.

Hate - Many evil-doers are motivated by a strong hatred and loathing for all mankind. They despise every person and organization that exists, and would like nothing more than to rain destruction upon this world that pains them so. To show countless billions the blackness they feel inside, and know the sheer abhorrance felt towards all who committed the unforgivable crime of having been born. Hatred is considered one of the most powerful driving forces amongst all evil passions and emotions, and can serve you extremely well in your future career of darkness.

Greed - This is another driving force among evil-doers, the incredible and irresistable desire to obtain gobs and gobs of money. Money is a driving force unto itself, plus it allows you to get things. Things of every shape and size, big things, small things, short things, tall things. It doesn't even really matter in the end what they are, just as long as you have them, all of them. That and your unending supply of money. But how to obtain so much stuff? Well, let's just say that evil tends to be the quickest and most profitable route. It's also usually a lot more fun, but hey, remember - you're in it for the money.

Madness - Insanity is another motive that has propelled many evil-doers to greatness. Sometimes it's the voices in their heads, sometimes an inability to tell right from wrong, but always, an incredibly disturbing derangement that would send most sane folk into shivers. Madness can direct you in ways normally thought impossible, or not thought at all, because they're, well ... insane. They say the line between madness and genius is very thin... which isn't actually true, but sounds goods when you need a justification for why you painted the walls with blood.

Revenge - Ah, another favorite. The extreme desire to make them pay. To have revenge on those who have wronged you, forever and eternal. Perhaps the evil-doer in question was beaten up as a child, or constantly tormented for being "different" (it's always the horns that give it away). Or maybe some business or person did them wrong, and thus now need wronging back. Or maybe they're just petty. In any case, revenge is always warranted, because it can lead to all sorts of pain and violence. Whatever you do never ever let it go, because then the anger might end, and without that, you are nothing.

Sadistic Pleasure - Some people turn to the dark side so as to fulfill their perverted desires, and inflict as much pain as possible. They just like to hurt people, it's as simple as that. This is not to say they are sociopaths, however, and that they don't feel anything. Exactly the opposite, in fact, they do this because of the feeling, and the depraved insidious pleasure they receive after having done someone wrong. They will spend their lives in the pursuit of pain and misery, and go to great lengths to cause horrific grief in other people's lives. This is their life, and it is a good life. Metaphorically speaking, of course.

Evil - It's my nature - For some wrongdoers, evil is not just an end, it is something inherent to their being. When children are born with glowing red eyes and strange cloven hoofprints it is not too unusual for them to discover evil as their true calling. Their childhoods are usually wrought with sorrow, with their friends getting pushed down to the bottom of a well and their parents dying in a mysterious fire. As they grow into adulthood their evil usually blossoms into full force, until they are ready to step into their role of antichrist and destroyer of all mankind. Evil is their nature - and to defy it would be nothing but obscene.

Mom Never Loved Me - *Sniff*. Yes, it's true. Sometimes the love of a parent is all that stands between a child and a lifelong career of evil. The young one will be angry and confused, and at some point two roads will open up before them. One filled with hopes and dreams, and the other naught but sorrow. And some stupid parents get it in their heads to divert their children from the evil path! Those bastards! How many children have been lost? And how many more will be lost? This must be stopped. If someone's mother loves them, then they may turn into a well-adjusted human being as opposed to the nightmarishly destructive soldier of darkess they were meant to be. And we can't have that now, can we?

How to do an Evil Laugh

The next thing you should probably do is learn how to properly peform an evil laugh. This is very important, because you will be engaging in it regularly and need to look good as the camera zooms in on your face. There are a number of different possibilities to choose from, each with varying degrees of derangement.

Ha Ha Ha…





Once you have decided on a laugh that reflects your particular level of evil and insanity, begin practicing it every day. Learn all the different chortles and inflections, and be sure to try it out in front of an audience. Before long you should have mastered it, and you will be ready to begin your evil career with style.

Hmmm... Time to go back...