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1. World Domination
"Veni Vidi Vici." -- Julius Caesar
Military - This is the classic form of world domination. Where you take over the earth with sheer military might and weapons of great power. You'll need to be elected dictator of your evil country of choice, but as long as this is the case, then this method may be for you. The first thing you'll need to do is begin building up your military arsenal as quickly as possible. Nuclear missiles, armies, tanks, helicopters, stealth fighters, and so on. But understand that simply having these tools of mass destruction isn't enough. You have to actually use them, to go out and make your dream happen. There are thus two general ways you can proceed. The first is to find a neighbor of choice, usually in Latin America or the Middle East, and invade it suddenly and without justification. Send in your armies, absorbing the territory into your own, and then with your newly gained resources, set your sights on the next country. And then the next, and the next, and hopefully at some point the domino theory will come into effect and the world will be yours. Unfortunately, it must be noted that this rarely actually happens, because as soon as the United Nations wakes up to what you are doing they usually come in and put the clamps on your operation. They have this funny little problem with people taking over the world (that's their job). You may thus want to instead try this second method: striking all at once. This is often preferred, because there is an actual chance you might catch the world unaware. You'll need to keep your armies and weapons concealed, perhaps underground or in secret bunkers. Be sure to spend extra time formulating your master plan as well, because you're only going to have one shot at this. Finally, on that day which will live in infamy, unleash your dogs of war on an unsuspecting world. Send forth destruction like the earth has never seen, and with your supreme might take over the world in one fell swoop. And do not worry about the United States or Russia stepping in to stop you. By all likelihood, you are one of them!
Economic - The sheer crushing force of a multinational corporation is another possible means of world domination, and in many ways a much more realistic one. By focusing your efforts on economic power and corporate influence, you can achieve world control through the vast power of your financial empire. The global market will come to depend on you for the particular products you make and the jobs you provide, and should you play your cards right, the world will be yours. Your best bet is to start your financial empire within a third world nation. These are good because the laws and restrictions tend to be much more lenient here, and the fascist dictators easier to control. Your business leaders should also be able to infiltrate the political government, allowing you to get away with basically anything. When the country is finally under your control, you can then extend your corporate bases to other nations, extending your power further. Global domination is your objective, however, so you will want to control more than small warring states. You will thus want to tighten your grip in the financial world, cornering the market in every way you can and wiping out all competition. Only when you have a total monopoly will control of the world be yours. Individual governments may exist but will no longer matter, because your financial strength will be so great that you have more say than the political leaders do. Each decision you make will influence millions of lives, and the prosperity of the world will depend on your ambivalence. If you have any, that is.
Ideological - Another means by which to take over the world is through the use and manipulation of belief systems. Where you become the spokesman or engineer behind a particular ideology, one so pervasive that it has no choice but to sweep the planet. Religion is the most common method for this, though political ideologies work as well. If you can learn to mold the dominant paradigm towards your own personal desires, then world control becomes an amazingly easy thing indeed. The main problem with this method is coming up with a message so mind-numbing and overpowering that it absolutely must be obeyed. You will need to make it so insidious that people actually want to follow it, and will in fact fall over themselves to die for the cause. Good examples of this include Christianity, Marxism, and the Church of Scientology. Study these organizations, and then formulate your belief system based on all the submissive desires and self-hate of people. If your message is strong enough, then it should take off like a wildfire and spread across the nation. Every man, woman and child will fall under your control, who will then take the word on to other countries. Soon the entire planet will know the glory and heinousness you have proclaimed, and you will be their spiritual king. While there still may be countries of geographical boundary, there will be but one country of the mind, and it will be yours to command. Unless someone nails a bunch of proclamations to a church door or something.
Shadow - The use of shadow governments and secret societies is another possible means of world domination, one evil-doers should not overlook. Rather than being the idiots in the limelight, i.e. the presidents and dictators who make themselves an obvious target, you can instead go the route of power behind the throne. The ancient conspiracy secretly pulling the strings, and influencing events on a worldwide scale. Good examples of this include the Illuminati, Majestic 12, and FEMA. To become a puppet master, one of the first things you must do is infiltrate the already existing political governments. To have your operatives work from the inside and begin influencing issues of key importance. You will also want these agents to be placed all across the world, not just in your home country. Many governments will needed to be infiltrated before global control can be achieved. Furthermore, you will want them secretly controlling every aspect of human life, be it governmental, economic, military, criminal or social. One of the most insidious aspects of this method is that no one will realize they are under control. People will blame the terrible acts which befall them on mere chance and simple rationalization, never realizing it was always a secret organization behind the scenes. Well, a few lone conspiracy theorists might suspect, but no one ever believes them. You may want to send out a few black army helicopters and jack-booted thugs, though, to clean up all the loose ends. Better to be safe than sorry.
Mass-Media - This is a rather new method of world domination, and one which has shown to be remarkedly effective over the last several decades. Instead of using armies of destruction or huge multinational corporations to take over the world, you can instead use the insidious power of media and language. Where pop culture itself is used as a weapon, a far more effective tool than the atomic bomb. Movies, television, music, you'll never look at them quite the same way. The first thing you need to do is control all information the people receive. You see, if the public doesn't know that a patricular war is going on, or that we don't really need oil for cars, or that the president is a mass-murdering serial killer by the name of "Reaver-Cleaver", then they can't get angry about it. No, they will be too busy living their meaningless lives, and should anyone then try and convince them of these facts, they will be laughed at and deemed as fools. You will definitely also want to pacify the people with as much mind-numbing material as possible. By instilling submissive attitudes into the masses, you can ensure an easier conquest until your domination of the world is complete. Furthermore, you can promote specific world-views into the media people watch. If you want to whip the world into a frenzy to support a morally ambiguous war, then just come out with a bunch of patriotic movies. Or as an alternative, use emotionally charged issues, like flag burning or nun beating. In the end, your army of mass-media will gain total control and influence every aspect of people's lives. They will think they are free but in reality be slaves, and this is the way it will forever remain. World domination for a new millenium.
|2. Destroy the Earth.|
For as long as man has walked the earth he has longed to destroy it. From the early caveman with his carven doomsday weapons A-Bombs to the modern-day creators of Pokemon, all have desired to destroy the planet and wipe out everything in existence. And you can be the one who makes it happen! Listed below are just a few of the possibilities for destroying the world, tried and tested throughout the ages.
Thermonuclear Armageddon - This is the classic method of world destruction for the twentieth century. While the seeming armistice between the two superpowers might seem to put a clamp on this type of nightmarish death, think again! Thermonuclear warheads are now available from a wide variety of arms dealers and surplussed countries, including the good ol' U.S. of A. For as low as $600,000 you can be the proud owner of a death's head tomahawk cruise missile . If you're short on funds, you can elect instead to build your own, though this is not as good because you can't have as many bombs. However, it only takes one to set off the automatic defense systems of the superpowers, so it might just be enough. To build your own nuclear missiles you will need plutonium, a lot of plate steel, and a rocket propulsion system. Most of which are available at fine K-Mart's everywhere.
Asteroids From Space - One well placed asteroid in the right place (Earth) could skyrocket this planet back to the ice age. This is thus a particularly nefarious form of worldy destruction, but only recommended for the most advanced evil geniuses. The reason for this is it is unfortunately rather difficult to intentionally cause such collisions. However, all is not lost. You will need two things: an asteroid, and some sort of tractor beam. The first part easy enough, as they're practically everywhere. You can track the movement of asteroids through NASA at the Near-Earth Asteroid Tracking Home Page (see appendix for details). Or, as an alternative, you can just have the moon crash into the Earth. It is the second part of this plan that you will find to be the difficult aspect. In order to influence the movement of these heavenly bodies you will need to invent some sort of gravity generator. We unfortunately can't really help you with this, but should you stockpile your lair with enough mad scientists, we're sure they can come up with something. Warning: Do not let Bruce Willis learn of your plans, or your scheme is doomed.
Deadly Viruses - Due to today's advancements in biological warfare, there are now literally thousands of deadly viruses you can use to decimate the earth's population. This method of mass destruction is quite good because it can both cause extreme prolonged pain, and actually leave behind a planet afterwards for you to create a new and better world. Your best bet among the choices is probably the Ebola Virus, notable for its devastating effects and quickness of spreading. Most virulent in Africa, you can still find samples of it elsewhere, particular in government laboratories and with infected monkeys. Just find someone on the inside who agrees with your "humanity must die" world view, use their access codes to smuggle the disease out, and within 72 hours the human race will be but a faded memory.
Biblical Apocalypse - Though many evil masterminds do not believe in any sort of God (except themselves), it must be noted that biblical armageddon is yet another method of world destruction. This one is actually quite sinister, involving seas boiling, the dead rising from the grave, and the moon becoming as blood. If this sounds good to you, then we suggest reading The Book of Revelations. This raving document details everything that needs to happen in order for the end of the world to come to pass. You'll definitely want to make friends with the Whore of Babylon, and be sure to pick up seven vials of wrath. Now, some of you out there may be thinking that a biblical apocalypse is not a good idea, as it supposedly results in the destruction of all evil. But you've got to realize, that's just PR. You've been given in-depth instructions on everything that's going to happen, even in the specific order! It thus just becomes a matter of analyzing the battle plans, and countering them much like Patton did to that German guy in World War II. A thousand years of darkness was never easier.
The Great Old Ones - Unleashing great supernatural forces on mankind to create literal hell on earth is yet another enjoyable possibility for world destruction. There are a wide variety of unspeakable horror to choose from, ranging from Christian Devils to Babylonian Gods to Long Forgotten Enochian Demons. Your best bet, however, will probably be the Great Old Ones, as described by the writer H.P. Lovecraft. These eldritch nightmares are particularly good because they are so mind-bogglingly incomprehensible they will cause mass insanity throughout the world before they devour it in one fell swoop. All you need do is obtain a copy of the Necronomicon, and the Things Which Should Not Be will have wiped clean the plague of humanity in no time. Good job.
3. Soul Accumulation
This is one of the oldest and most rewarding of all evil objectives. To accumulate as many souls as possible, and ensure each of them an eternity of pain. This path was classicaly only pursued by the Devil or his minor demons, but in recent times has expanded to be practiced by evil-doers everywhere. To be sure, middle market managing executives have nearly mastered this art to perfection!
The Contract - This is the favored method of obtaining souls. For this you will need a soul contract (available at fine Wal-Marts everywhere) stating that you will be obtaining the undersigned's soul for whatever is their heart's desire. They often request money, or sex, or power, but these things are fleeting, and easily granted. They will have their fondest wish for a time, but the clock will be ticking, and when the alarm strikes twelve their soul will be yours. One of many, should you plan things right. Be sure to have a contract ready for any occasion, and should you ever hear someone say "I'd sell my soul" then turn right around and immediately approach with a smile. They know not what they do, which is the beauty of it, and as you walk away with contract in hand you can happily know that another is forever lost to darkness.
The Black Arts - Another method for condemning souls to an unending nightmare of pain and torture is through the practice of evil magical arts. You will need to learn unspeakable rites of blasphemy for this, as well as be initiated into an occult secret society. You will also need to engage in many acts of perversion as possible. But should you study hard and true, before long you should have the sorcerous power to cast the most innocent soul into hell. Standing over their naked body while dressed in a black robe, you can plunge the knife in and permanently damn them to an eternity of darkness. Brings a smile to your face.
Trickery - Oftentimes an evil-doer must resort to scheming in order to ensure a steady flow of souls to hell. There are numerous ways to trick people out of their immortal essence, and it's usually fairly easy because the human race tends to be pretty stupid. You can choose a target and slime your way into their good graces, convincing them that you are their friend and are only playing a game. The soul doesn't really exist, so why not sell it to you, it's all in good fun! Ha ha! You can also forego the one-on-one route entirely and set up entire franchises devoted to the process, offering big rewards and huge prizes for those willing to make a small "donation". Remember: people very rarely read the small print, and through this you can get them in the end.
Mass-Murder - Sometimes you just have to pull out the old scythe and get busy with the killing. With so many hapless innocents out there you can't possibly get them all with political connivings or sorcery, and you may just have to deal with them the old fashioned way. There are many ways to do this, such as machine gunning employees in your office, blowing up a public works building or poisoning the town water supply. In any case you're looking at quantity as opposed to quality here, so be sure to try and take out as many as you can. The more sent screaming to hell, the better.
The Number of the Beast - This is an interesting new method being developed by, of all people, the supermarket industry. It would seem that in the future everyone will need a bar code tattooed on their arm or forehead in order to be able to buy and sell. This is detailed in the Book of Revelations, and apparently anyone without this sign will be chastised and murdered in this heinous non-Christian and thus obviously evil-fascist-horrible-who-would-ever-want-to-live-in-it-society. This program is currently in only the preliminary stages, however, so your best bet is probably to do whatever you can to bring such a nightmarishly devilish future to pass.